Fear Not - Maiden Message

 

Maiden Message - Fear Not

A recent discussion with a friend who works with college students illuminated a shift in thinking among this new generation of young people. There was a social term that was used frequently among Millenials that now seems to have been modified among young Gen Z'ers. The term that was bandied about in the mid-2010s after its inception in 2004 was FOMO - fear of missing out. This term encapsulated the social angst of a generation of people who were beginning to be much better informed of the possibilities of social activities in their general vicinity and around the world. The now-outdated phobia was brought about through the changes in society brought on by technological advances. That very same phenomenon has reached a new tipping point that has changed the general atmosphere of our societal networks and modified the phobia. 

What was once a fear of missing out has become a different fear. Individuals have become heavily stressed by the possibility that something will become possible after they commit to a different plan of action. In this article, I will explore a few causes and a few effects of this affectation. The new change in terminology is FOMBO - fear of missing better options. FOMBO has reduced the number of attendees to many group events over the past decade. The ease with which someone can join a virtual community has reduced the pressure. Pressure is needed to get an individual to a planned communal gathering. Fear of missing out was a tool for social engineering that has lost much of its luster, but the struggle of getting people to make it to your group event is not insurmountable. I will give a few ideas that may help you keep the interest percolating so that the end result is a well-attended event. Most of these ideas come from my own personal observation and not from proven psychological studies, so take this all with the necessary grain of salt. 

Before I write more, I must give partial credit to this observation to Emily Johnston who works with students in Montgomery, AL. The struggle she faces to organize and plan events with her group of college students is exacerbated by this very phobia. The students who would normally be glad to join an event have now realized that they have missed out on some other gatherings Commitment, has become a dirty word among a new generation of well-informed individuals. The proverbial task of kicking the tires now takes longer and the agreement to buy into an event or meeting comes to full commitment now at the moment of arrival. This can be utterly frustrating for people who come from a culture that plans their summer vacations at least one year in advance and sometimes multiple years before an event. That kind of forward-thinking, which was once necessary to ensure the best results of a vacation, is no longer necessary and sometimes counter-productive. 

The current individual knows that many activities and events are transpiring that they are missing IRL - in real life - but that can be relived over and over with your closest friends virtually. A Gen Z'er will know that previous generations would, when overwhelmed revert to Netflix and Chill when all other viable options had passed their "Join By" dates and time stamps. If you're looking to put together a good "IRL" gathering, you need to find some ways to reinforce this idea of FOMBO. Here are some methods I've tried. 

Compensating for FOMBO in others:

1. The Slow Rollout - Many of our events are broadcast through text messages, social posts, personal invitations, printed materials, and banner ads. The idea that inundating your target audience with a synchronized effort may have had some positive effect in the past but it also tends to put a person on guard. In sales, a consumer thinks of this as, "the hard sale." If a consumer, or invited friend, is aware of this in the presentation of the opportunity you may find the end result is a no. The slow rollout of information over a relatively long period will result in a better turnout. In real life, I would not tell, write, and call a person at the same time to tell them about an event. It would smack of desperation. I might tell a person and text them the information at the same time so that they have a written source to find detailed information. I might also remind them of the invitation a week in advance (if the event was not already less than a week away). Following up with a group text to say you're looking forward to seeing everyone, is another method that works, and the final personal call on the day of the gathering to let the individual know they are expected all help. This process in synchrony results in a slow, and intentional, rollout. 
2. The Late Announcement - The later you tell a person of an event the lower the likelihood they can find something else, and often by default your event becomes the activity they join. Although the mind may trick an individual into fearing they will miss out on something better if they commit early, the reality is that it is very hard to keep all the options at the forefront of your mind. So, a late invitation can be as effective as a long intentional slow rollout. This is a relief for many of those who are poor at planning. You can invite in the 11th hour and get a good turnout for many events if you are willing to take the risk in preparation that you may have no one attend your gathering. This concept is seen even in the parable of the Banquet Feast (Matthew 22:9-11) and is well paired with the Slow Rollout. If you invite late you share the burden of the person's attendance with them and can share the blame for their not attending. This can mitigate a sense of disappointment that may stem from a heavily planned and highly intentional approach. 
3. The Incentivised Visit - Everyone loves a prize. The biggest prize is of course securing the attendance of close friends and family members. For this reason, the best way to get an individual to come is to promise the attendance of someone they care about. This does not have to be someone famous. But influencers these days can definitely bolster attendance at your event. We used to call these people the popular people. Because so much of what is done in gaining popularity is the result of online presence we have come to know most of the popular people as influencers. The other essential incentive for almost any gathering is food. If you bake it, they will come. 
4. The Guarded Invitation - Have you ever been invited to an exclusive event? If you haven't then you really can't understand the power of intrigue in getting someone to an event. Too much intrigue and they will likely opt out, but just the right amount of mystery may be the best thing for your event. This is where the usage of the slow rollout can be utilized too. You can begin with a simple save-the-date type invitation and finish with a final time, date, and location invitation. Have them contribute something, a poem, a song, a pastry, or something fitting for the gathering. In this way, you will give them an obligation that will let them know they play an integral part in the event. 

Dealing with our own FOMBO:

None of these methods takes away FOMBO, they simply accept it as a new norm and try to compensate for this fear. If you're concerned that this fear is having a negative effect you can address the practice of commitment over and above fear. Commitment is something that is supposed to help us stay true to our decided course when the emotional baggage of FOMO or FOMBO kicks in. A belief that the things we have committed our lives to up to the point will continue to maintain their value over the long haul. A healthy willingness to miss out may be the very thing you need to have in order to not miss out on things that can only form over long periods. 

Ben Rector in his song "Old Friends" highlights this truth when he sings about friends, "You can grow up, make new ones, but the truth is, there's nothing like old friends." He points out that "no one knows you like they know you, and no one probably ever will." When FOMBO is applied to friendship and courtship we find that its result is a diluted form of connection. The yearning to be understood and appreciated requires that witnesses to our lives choose to attend our unpopular events over the better options; that our loved ones choose us over friends or acquaintances with a stronger portfolio, a bigger pocketbook, or a wider range of knowledge, wisdom, and insight. Friendship becomes more valuable over time. Affiliations become more nuanced and have richer details of memory over time. This does not mean that every relationship, friendship, and family member is meant to be in your life forever. But the ones that stick around longer tend to be the ones most clearly missed when death or departure become inevitable. 

To help alleviate feelings of FOMBO you can:

1. Commit to joining weekly group meetings. I suggest a good church. In committing to these meetings over other appointments you will learn how to live in a voluntary community. That community will push the limits of what you are willing to volunteer and will help you grow your FINMO - faith in not missing out. 
2. Find sufficiency in societal solitude. You do not need the approval of any social entities (churches included) to be considered pleasing to God. This does not mean the church is a bad place to learn the tenets of pleasing God. It means that God is the ultimate judge over and above any authority. This is why God's declaration about Jesus - at his baptism, and on the Mount of Transfiguration - were the most definitive moments of Jesus's ministry. "This is my son in whom I am well pleased," is the later proclamation of Peter in his letter to the church (2 Peter 1:16-18).  It was not simply the fruit of Jesus' life that defined him but God's audible declaration about him before many witnesses and in the intimate setting on the Mount of Transfiguration. Personal sufficiency, like that of Jesus's sufficiency, is found in the declarations of God about us, not in the arbitrary affirmation of the wise and foolish of this world. 
3. Balance your life. The two previous points stand in stark tension with each other. The first is a commitment to society and the second is a commitment to willingly part ways with the societal norms, for the sake of following the calling of God through Christ Jesus. 
4. Recognize that FOMBO is not a new sensation. Even Robert Frost in his poem "The Road Not Taken" explains this phenomenon and highlights the beauty of non-conformity in your decision-making. This does not mean that non-conformity is the answer, a virtual panacea, for all decision making but it is a proclamation that one must make decisions. The decision that Frost made and later lauded in his poem "made all the difference" in his life. Make a decision and stick with it. Some decisions you can't take back, embrace that.